I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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