i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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