i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
