Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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