That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
