I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
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The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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