take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
