if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
