Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
