I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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