I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
