he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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