last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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