sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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