i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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