the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
