My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
