thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
