Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
