if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
