Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
