how can u be prego again
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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