the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
