Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
