my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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