dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
