The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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