I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
