Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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