I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
