I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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