I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
