u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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