I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
