Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
