I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
