Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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