So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
