Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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