This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
