So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
