After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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