My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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