now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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