I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
