I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
