my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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