My friends, they love my intelligence
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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