I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
