He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
