non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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