I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
