Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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