also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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