god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
