I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
