I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
