I wish I could teleport
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
